Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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