I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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