i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
