I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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