i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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