Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
