I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
