Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
