Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
