You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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