I can text with my tongue
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
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I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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