so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
