I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
