I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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