my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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