Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
we have pet lesbian snakes
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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