And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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