My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
