Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
