Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
