Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
