my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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