Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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