My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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