i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
