When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
