Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I stole a fireplace last night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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