you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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