i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
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Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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