I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
