Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
