Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
