Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
