I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
