Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
