i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
