This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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