i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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