My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
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Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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