i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
