I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
