dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Screwed.edu
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
