i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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