Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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