the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
