hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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