HIV tests are more positive than that guy
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
