We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize