I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
