never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
