So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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