We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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