I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
This baby is an asshole
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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