Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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