I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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