Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
