I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
