The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
