i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
